where your perfectionism came from — and how to harness its power for good!
read time: 3 minutes
disclaimer: This is not medical advice. This is intended to educate, inspire and support you in your self healing journey. Speak to your medical professional. Some content might be sensitive; I invite you to practice self-harmonizing.
“Perfectionism is the idealized form of predictability” — Dr. Stephen Porges, creator of Polyvagal Theory
Perfectionism is about trying to make real life match some ideal concept.
Perfectionism adapts as a survival response for two major reasons:
Lack of attunement from caregivers — leaving you feeling unseen, unheard, not worthy of time/attention/love, and ultimately feeling inadequate and not good enough. Perfectionism gives you a sense of acceptance and appreciation that was missing in childhood.
Out of control upbringing — the chaos experienced in early life was unsafe and overwhelming. Perfectionism gives you a sense of control that was missing in childhood.
In either case, the root cause of perfectionism is overwhelming stress.
The nervous system is designed for safety and survival of self and species; so it craves predictability because if it’s predictable, you know what to expect and how to respond and ultimately, that you’ll survive.
That’s not to say that it’s the only reason perfectionism develops, of course some neurobiology is involved.
However, with the recent scientific field of Epigenetics, we now know that genes play a very small role in the vast majority of dis-ease, disorders, and personality traits.
As Matt Ridley so eloquently put it 20+ years ago, it’s “Nature via Nurture”
Even Charles Darwin at the end of his life admit how he grossly underestimated the importance of environment to surviving, and even thriving.
Saying in a 1876 letter, Darwin writes “In my opinion the greatest error which I have committed, has been not allowing sufficient weight to the direct action of the environment, i.e. food, climate, etc., independently of natural selection. When I wrote the ‘Origin,’ and for some years afterwards, I could find little good evidence of the direct action of the environment; now there is a large body of evidence.”
So if not genes, if not just some “born this way, luck of the draw”, then healing stress can actually support the reason why the nervous system is drawing on perfectionism as a protection mechanism or survival response in the first place!
The goal isn’t to get rid of perfectionism, the goal is to understand and integrate how ambitious, driven, inspired traits can work for you.
“One doesn’t treat perfectionism, one treats the cause of perfectionism which is the displacement of regulation from another individual to a task or object.” – Dr. Stephen Porges
As Katherine Morgan Schafler says, you can “make the single greatest trade of your life — to exchange superficial control for real power.”
You can break free from the burden of perfectionism, and start basking in the power of perfectionism.
infinite love,
Stephanie
